Was it My Fault?

By Guest · April 30, 2017 · True Stories · 6 min read

A girl with her head down facing away from the camera. A photo without much colour.

LifeworX has decided to share a story that a very brave woman has given us permission to share with you. This is possibly one of our biggest nightmares that have come true for someone else. For most of us, the things we can't control and plan are the very things that blindside us on any given day. I've been working with her and it's wonderful to see a victim of such an act take her life back. She has pushed herself to make decisions that will take her life to the next level.  She has not sat back and let this horrific incident get the better of her, instead she has excelled in her sport and has become motivated to work harder at the very things she has had her mind set on doing. For anyone, suffering a trauma of any kind can set you back. At this point it is so very important to deal with it in such a way that allows you to take back control.  Our minds are a very powerful tool and there is so much we can learn to handle by using the right life tools and we need them in place. There is that famous saying "what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger"... Well, I believe "what doesn't make you stronger will most definitely kill you". So in other words, if you're reading this you are strong enough to learn to deal with what life throws at you. We need to learn to share our stories as it is a way of helping others either deal with similar things or help others understand what it's like. So thank you to an incredible woman for sharing her story! Take back your life...

What if it is her fault? I mean she did go home with him… But her lips said no, no, no. Maybe the alcohol silenced his ears and made the "no" sound like a "yes". The fear made her give in and there she was telling herself, get it over and done with and he won't touch you again.
Her face pushed into a pillow; her body is numb and everything around her is blurry. What could she have done differently?

The same lips that shouted "no" said "goodbye and see you soon". And the same two eyes that were pushed into a dark place seemed to look past what had just happened.
She is in denial, her mind refuses to believe the idea of being raped. He called her beautiful & gorgeous & repeatedly said "I'll give you the best sex", but she didn't want the "best sex". She wanted to be at home where she could regain control of her body and be safe.
Her no was not an eager yes!

She asked herself...
What if she had said her "no" a bit louder?
What if she had not given in and been stronger?
Why was she scared of him?
Why didn't she scream for help, but instead froze in fear?
What if she didn't offer him other sexual acts; hoping it would reduce his desire to give her the "best sex"?
Would the circumstances be the same?

She tells herself, there was nothing she could have done. He was strong and gave her a place to stay when she had nowhere to go.

She is lost, ashamed and in denial.
She can't talk to anyone, people are cruel and stories will form:
"It was her fault, she went home with him."
"She was asking for it, her top was too revealing."
"He is popular and always gets what he wants."
"She still spoke to him afterwards, basically not rape."
"He's too nice to do such a thing."
"It was the alcohol, not him."

Will the physical and emotional pain fade away just like the bruises and teeth marks did? Her body is shaking and her mind is on replay. When will she heal? When will she be okay again?

It is not her fault!

The saddest part of it all is the fact that after all the pain, he had already implicated himself - he had the audacity to lie about his mistakes in order to hide his embarrassment.
The charges were dropped as he made her believe his cries and numerous sorry's were sincere and without the use of substances he would never think of doing such to anyone. She knew that behind this evil act lay a person with a good heart.
Weeks passed and stories formed, the nasty looks and hurtful gossip of people who made a joke out of it broke her heart into smaller pieces, her mind became sick and her wrists became distorted. 

Her no was not an eager yes!

She couldn't see a way out. How could she be so stupid to accept his apology and think that he was actually sorry?
Reality is, they both know what happened that night.
It sickens me to the core, that society has normalised the norm of having sex with the person that offers you a lift home. Sex should not be a form of payment or a "have to" in order to thank the host. Going home with a man or a woman doesn't mean you have to have sex with them. No means no!
Clothing or lifts do not classify as a yes, and that's not made clear in our society today. Neither of the two give consent to any form of sexual interaction.
After hours and hours of therapy and days on days of heartbreak, crying and self-harm she realised she is not to blame: she will not let him or his one-dimensional friends stop her from living or smiling again. Slowly she will learn to love herself and her heart will be plastered back together by the people who love her. Her mother will stop crying herself to sleep when she realises her angel will be okay again. The hatred will fade and joy will overtake. The nightmares will turn into dreams and her inner wounds will heal just like the outer ones did.

Everything will be okay again; time heals.

It is not her fault!

Thank you for taking the time to read her story. If you wish to comment please do so privately: send an email to anita@lifeworx.co.za. If you know anyone who has had a similar incident happen to them please share my contact details with them (+27 82 4555 399). We can all learn to deal with situations in our lives with the right support and understanding. Learning to use the right tools to deal with a trauma is first choice and sometimes you need to find out how. Getting back in control of your life starts with getting in control of your thoughts. So contact me and lets get you back on track to a life that you deserve to be living. #LiveLifeLoveLife #LifeworX #TakeControl #TakeAction #NoMeansNo


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